Wednesday, August 23, 2006

Bon Voyage Charmaine!

You might be at the airport surfing the net... who knows

Take care over there in the States.

And I wanna hear about how they're gonna change your accent after 4 months. hahaha


Growing up is a pain in the ass. Give me back my happy meals, transformers, wang wang nu nai, my power rangers and easy to score exams. I want my childhood to last. And all those ard me too. I don't want change.

Hearing grandma say she's gonna pass me her goldchain is heart breaking, wrenching and saddening all at the same time.

It's like hearing last words. Seeing her in such a fragile state, having trouble opening even doors, I've realised that I never did treasure her in the past. Even up till now, I have no idea how to endear myself to her. All I can do is look at her out of the corner of my eyes and hope she's feeling fine. But those words she spoke to my mum scared the shit out of me and made me worry and think. All this while, I just kept quiet.

"I'm scared. I can't even open doors easily. When I told the doctor, he was concerned about it too"

"I'm giving zhi hao(me) a gold chain. He's my eldest grandson. I got it years back and it was expensive", and she smiled.

All this while, I just kept silent. I didn't know what to say.

I know she's preparing for something. And I know what she's preparing for. But it's really sad how I can't seem to communicate with her. I can't even speak her dialect well.

And all I can do is,

"Ma, come to my room, lie on my bed and sleep, take care..."

I knew I should have stayed for dinner with her and the rest of the family. But I had a birthday party. And I truly wanted to have fun that day too. But, I'm sure that, from this moment, for every gathering, I'll try my best to go. Days might pass quickly for me, and missing 1 gathering might not be a big deal. But for grandma, I think I finally understand, every gathering is 1 more day of bliss with her children and grandchildren. I wouldn't want her to feel lonely. Not anymore. Since I now understand her fears, her wishes and her love for us.

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